Scariest Movie Ever!!!

Whoa, man. Just writing about this movie gives me the cold tinglies! I saw the trailer for this movie when I was like 4 years old! It was a very simple animation of the monster in embryonic form. The same image was used on the poster too. I'm still so scared of that monster drawing that I can't even post it here, cause then I'd have to look at it every time I update the page and my heart can't take the strain.

Anyway, the movie is John Frankenheimer's Prophecy: The Monster Movie (1977). They had to add "the monster movie" just in case you thought it was a musical comedy or an instructional video or something. Anway, so the trailer freaked me out so bad, I couldn't even watch the movie. Not even when it came out on Prevue (the pre-cursor to HBO, and the first premium cable channel my family got). And what blew most about Prevue is like they had the license to, I think, maybe five movies. I remember (in no particular order) "9 to 5," "The Elephant Man," "Coal Miner's Daughter," "Silver Streak," and this fucking abomination.

So, fast-forward fifteen years and my mom finally convinces me to watch the goddamn movie on TBS. So I gather my courage and sit down to face my fear, fully expecting to see the LIVING BREATHING incarnation of the terror-beast from the artist-rendition poster. What I got was what follows (at the bottom of this post)...

This is pretty much the funniest thing I've ever seen in a legit horror-film. Frankenheimer sure took himself seriously, which makes this all the more hilarious. I mean, above and beyond this, how can you take a movie seriously in which Armand Assante plays a Native American. And the titular Prophecy? Well, your guess is as good as mine. Apparently something to do with "when the paper mills dump the mercury used in the production process into the nearby lake, the little forest animals who drink from said lake will mutate into GIANT EVIL forest behemoths with an appetite for revenge!" Sounds like bible verse to me.

As a final note, I spent several years trying to track down that original theatrical trailer that freaked me out so much. I got excited when the dvd was announced, but alas no trailer was included. Youtube was no help either. I was about to give up all hope. I mean this is an important step in my ongoing twelve-step 'conquer your childhood fears' program. Suddenly, as all hope was lost and the darkness began to gather all around, my buddy Nick Derington presented me with a truly grand gift. An original 35mm print of the trailer he bought on ebay for like five bucks!

So, to all you others who have suffered from this truly terrifying trailer to a film that itself is quite laughable, I'm making a solemn vow to you now that I will transfer that fucker to video and post it HERE so we can all hold digital hands and get over our fears. In the meantime, laugh while you can at the best 30 seconds in film history!